A Precise Characterization of Modern Liberalism

Modern liberalism, in its contemporary manifestation, admits of a precise characterization. It is the condition of exhibiting no fewer than five of the properties enumerated below. The list is neither exhaustive nor ordered by importance; it merely records those traits whose simultaneous occurrence has become, through prolonged and depressing observation, a reliable diagnostic.

1. An unwavering hostility toward the state of Israel, maintained with a fervor inversely proportional to any demonstrable familiarity with the relevant history or geography.
2. A principled rejection of artificial intelligence, advanced with the same rustic logic once employed to denounce the steam engine or the printing press.
3. An unquestioning acceptance of the most catastrophic projections concerning global climate, treated not as provisional scientific models but as revealed doctrine.
4. A quasi-religious devotion to the liturgical practices that attended the recent pandemic, complete with residual mask rituals and moral score-keeping.
5. A dietary regimen of exclusive veganism, pursued at a cost that would sustain several less ideologically refined households.
6. Open celebration of political homicide or the street violence of activist factions, offered as evidence of moral seriousness.
7. Public adoption of non-binary identity, accompanied by chromatic hair modification and the obligatory pronoun liturgy.
8. An upper-middle-class childhood whose material comforts are never acknowledged as the precondition of subsequent radical posturing.
9. Possession of a degree in the humanities, worn as both credential and permanent exemption from empirical accountability.
10. An obsessive preoccupation with the Epstein affair and related networks of predation, selectively applied according to the political utility of the accused.
11. Enthusiastic consumption of keto diets, methamphetamine, or fentanyl—sometimes concurrently.
12. Artistic production whose technical standard remains stubbornly fixed at the level once associated with amateur online galleries.
13. An affirmative stance toward the video game Minecraft, elevated from pastime to cultural totem.
14. Sustained personal animosity directed at Elon Musk.
15. Parallel animosity directed at J. K. Rowling.
16. In the case of adult males, a pronounced and public fixation upon My Little Pony.
17. A documented pattern of initiating contact with minors through digital channels.
18. Sympathetic regard for criminal organizations of the MS-13 or CJNG variety (or, in the European theater, for certain migrant street gangs).
19. A terminally online existence, most characteristically expressed through prolonged residence on Reddit.
20. Hair dyed blue, neon, or some equally artificial hue.
21. A pathologically elevated preoccupation with sexual matters, frequently expressed through transgender lesbian identification or participation in polycules.
22. Devotion to the softer occultisms: astrology, Wicca, tarot, and related spiritual commodities.
23. Expenditure upon overpriced garments sourced from thrift stores or self-consciously retro brands.
24. Public adherence to the doctrine of body positivity, ordinarily in the presence of marked obesity.
25. A persistent reluctance to bathe.
26. Whiteness.

The presence of five or more of these attributes is sufficient. Their co-occurrence is, in practice, far more frequent than chance would suggest. One is left to conclude that modern liberalism is less a coherent political philosophy than a syndrome—an agglomeration of aesthetic, dietary, sexual, and epistemic preferences whose only consistent feature is the demand that the rest of society rearrange itself around them.